Plans and Providence: Reflections on Turning 38

Editor's Note: These are some thoughts I published on the Facebook while miserably sick on my birthday. 

It has been a delight to see so many kind birthday wishes rolling in from people all over the country today. Thank you all for making my day even sweeter!

A few folks have expressed hopes that I would receive my desires or enjoy a meaningful celebration today.

I can assure you I am having perhaps the most memorable birthday of my life today, through no planning of my own. And since I find myself with some downtime to fill, I shall share it with you, Dear Reader!

Here is how I expected today to go:

0430 - Rise for a workout with the incomparable Keith Fine at Fitrition.
0600 - Home for a refreshing shower, coffee, breakfast, and abundant affection from my sweet family.
0800 - A day of pleasant, productive, stimulating work at Kalos, Inc., writing code and spending time with people I deeply like and admire.
1630 - Leave for Lawrence with my splendiferous wife Magen to enjoy the world’s best nachos at Taco Zone and a Drew Holcomb concert with my dear friends and sibs, Joe and Jessie Hawkinson.
2300 or so (?) - Collapse into my bed, exhausted but sated with good things. Sleep with the windows open, hearing autumn noises, feeling the chilly breeze, and nestling gratefully under my down comforter.

Great plan, huh? Here’s what happened instead:

0230: Awake for no apparent reason.
0235: Intense intestinal discomfort.
0236: Disgusting Symptoms. Oh well, at least it’s not the Really Disgusting Symptoms.
0255: The Really Disgusting Symptoms.
0300 - Fitful rest and standup comedians on YouTube. Enjoy the repetition of the Symptoms many times.
0430, maybe? - Start calling in so trainer and job are aware.
0500 - Sleep! Praise Jesus!
0540 - Awake, Really Disgusting Symptom, sleep.
0730 - Awake, say goodbye to saintly wife who is removing all the children from our home.

“Sorry your birthday is ruined,” she says.

“It’s ok,” I say. “Not really into birthdays anyway. Just another day closer to my inevitable death.”

“You’re a mess,” she says. “But I guess being sick actually makes it easier to see your own mortality, so... it’s kind of a perfect gift for you.”

I laugh so hard that I soon find myself lunging toward the bathroom in order to prevent a Disgusting Symptom from getting all over my sheets.

0800 - Lie in bed watching Netflix, contemplating my mortality, and occasionally getting up to do various Symptoms.

And that is where I am even now, O ye persistent witness to my Symptom-redolent woes!

I normally try to avoid excessive pontification, but as the Bard says, “It’s my party and I’ll pontificate if I want to... you would pontificate too if it happened to you.”

Seriously, though, just a few thoughts before I go back to a fun-filled afternoon of vegetating and doing Symptoms:

1. I don’t often get a chance to sit around doing nothing all day. It’s kind of fun every once in a while.
2. I was struck by how much my birthday plan resembles a normal day. What delight and beauty and joy and health I often overlook!
3. My death truly is approaching. I dwell in a mortal body, and this makes me want to live life to the fullest. It also makes me look forward to the New Creation and the redemption of my body. Come, Lord Jesus.
4. At Hutchmoot, a feast that I had the privilege of attending last week, someone reminded me, “God always gives what we need when we need it.” That, more than anything else, has been the theme of this year for me. I both believe it and truly thank the Lord for this disgustingly providential opportunity to believe it better.

So, the short answer, and one without any hint of irony: It’s been a great birthday so far, and my deepest longings are being fulfilled.

Thanksgiving: Day 14

326. Sutton Hoo
327. Grendel
328. Grendel's Mom
329. Dragons
330. J.R.R. Tolkien
331. "The Hobbit"
332. "The Lord of the Rings"
333. Peter Jackson
334. Film Reviewers
335. Newspapers
336. Coffee
337. Diet Dr. Pepper
338. String cheese
339. Juicy pears
340. Apples
341. Grapes
342. Oranges
343. Cuties
344. My Cutie
345. Diamonds
346. Tires
347. Brakes
348. Gas
349. Asphalt
350. Concrete

Thanksgiving: Day 13

301. Toddlerspeak
302. Sweatshirts
303. Washing machine
304. Homemade laundry soap
305. Fabric softener
306. Coffee mugs
307. Coffee
308. Photographs
309. Camera phones
310. Light
311. Digital storage
312. USB ports
313. Glasses
314. Optimism
315. Poems
316. Iambic pentameter
317. Shakespeare
318. "Titus Andronicus"
319. William Faulkner
320. Flannery O'Connor
321. "A Good Man is Hard to Find"
322. Marilynne Robinson
323. "Gilead"
324. E-mail
325. Spam filters

Thanksgiving: Day 12

276. Typewriters
277. Calligraphy
278. Steampunk
279. Cyberpunk
280. Cell phones
281. Magnetism
282. Gravity
283. The book of Isaiah
284. Prayer
285. Prayer rugs
286. Handicrafts
287. Loud keyboards
288. Quiet keyboards
289. Idiosyncracies
290. Spell check
291. people who ignore spell check
292. Grammar
293. Warm stew on a cold day
294. Family prayer time in the mornings
295. Teaching my little boy to read
296. First-time obedience
297. Glue
298. Thread
299. Needles
300. Hammers

Thanksgiving: Day 11

251. Paint.NET
252. Audacity
253. People who share their talents with others
254. Haiku
255. People who mock haiku
256. Poetry
257. Poets
258. Ezra Pound
259. T. S. Eliot
260. Emily Dickinson
261. Walt Whitman
262. e. e. cummings
263. Langston Hughes
264. The idea of revolution
265. Economists
266. Logic
267. Political science
268. History books
269. Historians
270. Museums
271. Music
272. Musicians
273. The "Amen" cadence
274. Gilbert and Sullivan
275. Charles Dickens

Thanksgiving: Day 10

226. Language

227. Writing

228. Different-colored pens to take multi-dimensional notes

229. The Silo Saga by Hugh Howey

230. Sunlight

231. Snowflakes

232. Sweat

233. Lips

234. The Internet

235. Buses

236. The Liberty Memorial

237. Running

238. Not having to run

239. www.rabbitroom.com

240. Peacemakers who sow in peace

241. Caedmon's Hymn

242. Muscles

243. Bone

244. Skin

245. Sinews

246. Nerves

247. Smell

248. Touch

249. Hearing

250. mp3 codecs

Thanksgiving: Day 9

201. Friends who bring me Starbucks unsolicited

202. Headphones

203. Squeaky hinges

204. A toilet flapper that works

205. A three-year-old who asks me to tell the story of Ruth (Every. Single. Night.)

206. "Can we hear about Ruth again in a hundred years?"

207. Iterative techniques in programming

208. Tears

209. Humility

210. Humiliation

211. Pain

212. Wisdom

213. Noam Chomsky

214. XML Data

215. Relational Databases

216. WYSIWYG editors

217. Chaotic systems

218. The wind

219. Thunderstorms in June

220. The yearly cycle of death and rebirth

221. The communion of the saints

222. Forgiveness of sins

223. Confession

224. Repentance

225. Grace

Thanksgiving: Day 8

176. The smell of ancient paper
177. Old English
178. Beowulf
179. A frothy pint shared with fellow Beowulf enthusiasts
180. "The Final Sacrifice" (Rowsdower!)
181. A younger brother who lives his own life
182. Art for art's sake
183. Landscapes that look like a Thomas Kincade painting, but without the snarky art snobs
184. Talking about child-rearing with my favorite person
185. Panera
186. Penicillin
187. Hospitals
188. The Birth and Women's Center
189. Hearing my little one's heartbeat
190. Seeing my sweet baby moving in my wife's tummy
191. Banjo music
192. My whistling two-year-old
193. Tricycles
194. Skinned knees
195. The park
196. Fixing things with the "help" of my manchildren
197. Hand-made gifts
198. Sleep
199. Mucus
200. Mucinex

Thanksgiving: Day 7

151. Vector velocities
152. Lists
153. Retroactive blog posts
154. Making up for lost time
155. A clean-shaven upper lip
156. Water
157. Wine
158. Bread
159. Weight Watchers
160. Loving the wife of my youth
161. Peace
162. Freedom
163. Sight
164. A path to the top of the hill overlooking my office
165. The trails near the governor's residence
166. The completion (at long last) of our capitol renovation project
167. Ad astra per aspera
168. Stalks of wheat
169. Combines bringing in the harvest
170. Not having to grind my own flour
171. Diapers to change
172. Fall decorations
173. Old buildings
174. People who love old buildings enough to restore them
175. Rare books

Thanksgiving: Day 6

126. 300 posts on this blog (if you count the 5 unpublished draft posts)

127. The word "no"

128. Learning how to say "no"

129. Toddlers who say "no, thank you" instead of "no"

130. Our quirky furnace

131. The instructions on said furnace (two sets: both in French, both identical)

132. That the word "explosion" is the same in French as in English

133. Teleconferences

134. Meetings that don't last as long as they were scheduled to

135. Date night

136. Error handling

137. A warm house on a cold night

138. A playground within walking distance

139. Two little boys who love being with their daddy

140. Playing music with my sons down by the river

141. Razors

142. The Amish

143. Books on World War I

144. The Treaty of Versailles

145. Farmer Hiram on the World's War

146. Python

147. Pong

148. CodeSkulptor.org

149. CourseEra.org

150. Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock

Thanksgiving: Day 5

101. Benevolent "kidnappings"
102. Two date nights in a row!
103. The Ecclesiastes 4:11 Principle
104. Old T-shirts
105. Blankets made of old T-shirts
106. My mobile phone
107. Mail merges
108. Libraries
109. Game night with friends
110. Sleepless nights filled with thankfulness
111. Carbon monoxide detectors
112. Opportunities to excel
113. To-do lists
114. Checking things off of said to-do lists
115. Owls calling to each other in my yard at 2 a.m.
116. Distant train whistles
117. Hot chai lattes
118. A headset for my work phone
119. Good corporate training sessions
120. Logic
121. Decision-making skills
122. Remote login
123. SQL
124. Massive Open Online Courses
125. Strong laptop cases

Thanksgiving: Day 4

76. Laughter

77. Music

78. Toy guitars played by toddlers

79. Empty boxes

80. Scented candles

81. Computers

82. Find and Replace

83. PDF files

84. Hu Hot

85. The following joke: "Hu Hot? My wife!"

86. Decaf coffee

87. Hair clippers

88. Soap and water

89. The light of a harvest moon

90. Clean water

91. Indoor plumbing

92. Milk

93. Maps

94. Old books

95. 8-bit graphics

96. Plans

97. The utter obliteration of plans

98. Moments when my 3-year-old still needs to be cuddled

99. A working heater

100. Pajama pants

Thanksgiving: Day 3

51. An employer that gives good parties
52. Karaoke
53. Dancing with my nearly-2-year-old
54. Winning!
55. Old friends
56. Faithful servants of God
57. Date night
58. Hobby Lobby
59. Memory
60. Memories
61. Memorials
62. Memorization
63. Memes
64. Membership
65. Ebeneezer Scrooge
66. Jack O'Lanterns
67. The Irish
68. Irish whiskey
69. Irish whiskers
70. Laundry detergent
71. Clean sheets
72. Red, green, and yellow tree-clothes
73. Football
74. Bonfires
75. Gift Cards

Thanksgiving: Day 2

26. Great co-workers
27. Wi-fi
28. Godly leaders at church
29. Shoes that fit
30. Clean clothes
31. Someone else changing my oil
32. Two pairs of glasses
33. A full tank of gas
34. Healthy blood in my veins
35. A comfy bed
36. Literacy
37. Forgiveness
38. New windows in my house
39. Punctuation
40. Video conferencing
41. A digital watch
42. Toothpaste
43. A dishwasher
44. Citrus scents
45. A belt with lots of holes
46. Light bulbs
47. Almonds
48. Shampoo
49. Pre-emptive Strikes Against Baldness
50. Sesame chicken

40 Days of Thanksgiving

It has been a hard couple of months for me. Busyness has consumed me, followed closely by a couple of deep dives into depression and occasional panic attacks. Taken together, it has drained me further than I knew was possible.

Yesterday morning, I looked in the mirror and was struck by how unhappy my face seemed. I normally have a smile, or at least a pleasant expression, but yesterday, my countenance was cast down, hollow, empty.

I think there are a lot of reasons that I'm feeling (and looking) the way I am. For many reasons, I need to sit down and rethink my life - what I'm spending my time on, how I'm interacting with people... everything. But for now, the best thing I can think of to transform my doleful heart into a happy one is to give thanks. Intentionally, purposefully, genuinely.

So, for the next 40 days (until the week of American Thanksgiving, coincidentally enough), I will do exactly that. My goal is to get to 1,000 in those 40 days. You're welcome to come along for the ride, but this will be mostly for me.

So, here goes...

Things I am Thankful For:

1. An alarmingly hott wife (like, FIRE alarmingly!)
2. Two sweet sons who always love to see me
3. Chuck Norris-strength kicks from my unborn child
4. Cuddling with said wife
5. A car with a radio that works
6. "Carry On, My Wayward Son," by Kansas
7. Seeing old friends at work
8. Knowing exactly what I have to do each day
9. Good health
10. The ability to walk
11. Daily standup meetings
12. A really nice computer at work
13. Really fast internet at work
14. Two HUGE monitors at work
15. Admin privileges on my work PC
16. A climate-controlled place to work
17. Free coffee at work
18. Reading Proverbs to my family at breakfast
19. A wife who loves patterns and order (see below for an EGGsample of this)
20. Microsoft Excel
21. My iPad
22. A Bible always available, whenever I want it
23. Prayer
24. Birdsong
25. An umbrella covered with smiley faces

Beauty Within the Mess

This morning, I was in a hurry to get to work. As I opened the car door to put my laptop case inside, I noticed that my lawn was looking a little shaggy. Or, to be precise, a lot shaggy:

I will be the first to admit that I am a terrible groundskeeper. My grass is always the longest on the block, and every August, it's one of the first to die from the overwhelming heat. (Just between you and me, I would kill it off earlier than that if I could.)

It's not that I wouldn't like to have a nice-looking lawn; it's just that I normally have better things to spend my time and money on. Nonetheless, that doesn't stop me from feeling just a wee bit ashamed when my yard looks like this. I mean, who likes having a constant reminder of his failings every time he steps outside his door? Not this guy.

So, with my daily dose of yard-guilt successfully internalized, I was ready to rush off to work, hopefully not arriving too late for my first meeting.

Then, as I was putting my laptop case and lunch bag into the car, I saw something that stopped me cold. I have probably looked at my front yard a dozen times in the past week, but I never noticed this: 

 Or this:

 Or this:

Lovely, no? They have been buried within that messy yard for a long time, but I never had the eyes to see them until this morning. What's more, I wouldn't have even gotten to see them if I weren't such a negligent homeowner.

Suddenly, I didn't care how late I was going to be. It seemed much more important to take a little bit of time to intentionally enjoy these blessings that my gracious Maker left in the most unexpected of places.

The New Testament book of James says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

My experience this morning made me realize that I am perhaps too hasty in deciding what those good and perfect gifts are -- or aren't.

I'm glad the Giver has a better imagination -- and a farther-reaching vision -- than I do.

Giving Thanks

A couple of weeks ago, I awoke to the sound of rain on the roof. The sky outside was grim and gray. The rain had driven away the summery warmth of the previous day.

The spluttering, drizzling chill of the day reminded me of Thanksgiving 2004, which I spent in Scotland. I still see, smell, and taste that traditional turkey-and-trimmings feast, prepared by Kansans in the fellowship hall of an ancient church in the heart of Dundee's city centre.

We were a small, curious potpourri of people, all in town for a wedding: the groom's family, half a dozen of his old youth group friends, and another family from our church, temporarily located to Scotland for academic work on cattle.

We were strangers in a strange land, and perhaps because of that, we were intensely thankful. We were glad for the castles in Edinburgh and Glamis, for the beach and ruins at St. Andrew's, for friends of friends who had generously shared their homes and their time to make us welcome.

I was in the middle of a hard semester of graduate school. In fact, I carried my English Grammar term project with me everywhere on the trip. I worked on it during flights and long car rides -- in any spare moment I could find. So this hiatus from school -- indeed, from the land of my birth -- was a welcome one. It distracted me just enough to remind me how very, very blessed I was.

For me, that Thanksgiving in Dundee was one of more intense gratitude than any I could remember. I found myself thanking the Almighty not only for the things that were going well in my life, but also for those that were not going well at all. It was one of the first times I felt like I had fulfilled Paul's command to the Thessalonians: "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

In the spirit of that prodigiously thankful day, I'd like to give thanks publicly for a few things that didn't go according to my plan. Each of these things brought me temporary pain of one sort or another, but time has proven to me that pain can give way to immense blessing.

• I am thankful that every girl I went out with in college studiously avoided going on a second date with me.
• I am thankful for the English faculty at the University of Kansas. Particularly, I am thankful for my advisor, Jim Hartman, who warned me to count the cost of pursuing a PhD, and for the graduate committee, who wisely declined my PhD application as I was finishing up my M.A.
• I am thankful for the potential employers throughout northeast Kansas who decided to "go with another option" when evaluating my applications for employment.
• I am thankful for the manager who humiliated me to the point of tears in a meeting two years ago.
• I am thankful that my wife knows my darkest secrets and deepest flaws.
• I am thankful that I turned out not to be a very good freshman English teacher. 

My current job, my relationship with my wife, and indeed, every direction my life has taken in the past seven years, seem to drip with God's guidance. I have seen my own plans thwarted often enough to recognize that His plans are invariably better. 

May I rely less on myself and increase my thankfulness in every circumstance as I continue growing in wisdom and maturity. 

What are you thankful for on this Thanksgiving weekend, dear reader? 

The Kind of Miracle We Overlook

My Hutch-friend Julie wrote a great post about an injury she experienced: Miracle | Greener Trees.

Why do I consistently fail to recognize the healing presence of God in healthy white blood cells, or miraculous mucus, or the very skin that protects my delicate innards?

We don't realize how good things are until they get broken, I guess...