luaphacim [3:47 PM]:
hehe... so, you ever have one of those times when you are so punny that you just despise yourself?
luaphacim [3:47 PM]:
I had one of those times just now...
luaphacim [3:48 PM]:
the guy across from me was telling the girl who [phone] shadows him about a recent remodeling job his wife had done...
luaphacim [3:48 PM]:
she redid their kitchen...
luaphacim [3:48 PM]:
all new floors, cabinets, and countertops...
luaphacim [3:48 PM]:
he was under the impression that the countertops were genuine granite...
luaphacim [3:49 PM]:
they looked really nice, and he was pretty happy about it
luaphacim [3:49 PM]:
and then they were watching HGTV, and the lady on the show was talking about how they were using a budget composite rock for the countertops to kind of cut costs
luaphacim [3:49 PM]:
and my friend's wife remarked that they had done the same thing on their kitchen...
luaphacim [3:50 PM]:
he felt cheap and betrayed, because he had been under the impression that it was the genuine article
luaphacim [3:50 PM]:
at which point, I interjected, "Derek, it sounds like your problem was that you were taking it for granite."
Noises From the Machine
24 October 2008
Old Puns Never Die...
I am cleaning out my gmail box. Here is a punny IM monologue that I e-mailed myself from work on July 24, 2008, which makes it just about three months old today. Surprisingly, it does not seem to have improved with age. Happy Friday!
29 September 2008
Meme from Magen
Here's a meme from my favorite blogger of all.
Instructions: Figure out your answers for each of the below questions. Put your answer into a Google image search. Grab the first interesting image for each answer, and post the images on your blog.
1.) The age you will be on your next birthday
2.) A place to which you'd like to travel
3.) Your favorite place
4.) Your favorite person
5.) Your favorite food
6.) Your favorite animal
7.) The town in which you were born
8.) The name of a past pet
9.) The first name of a past love
10.) Your favorite color
11.) Your first name
12.) Your middle name
13.) Your last name
Instructions: Figure out your answers for each of the below questions. Put your answer into a Google image search. Grab the first interesting image for each answer, and post the images on your blog.
1.) The age you will be on your next birthday
2.) A place to which you'd like to travel
3.) Your favorite place
4.) Your favorite person
5.) Your favorite food
6.) Your favorite animal
7.) The town in which you were born
8.) The name of a past pet
9.) The first name of a past love
10.) Your favorite color
11.) Your first name
12.) Your middle name
13.) Your last name
27 September 2008
Work-Related Humorz
In order to appreciate the following IM conversation, you need to know several things about my place of employment:
1.) We deal with a LOT of old people
2.) Many of these old people, for reasons best known to themselves, found it necessary to purchase an ungodly number of whole life policies. You know, as opposed to purchasing, say, one policy with a higher face amount and probably lower premiums. I tend to blame unethical insurance agents, but maybe that's just me.
3.) We do not have an automated way to quote future policy dividends and other values. This means we have to write these letters manually. Using complex spreadsheets. Until our eyes start bleeding.
4.) Our standard values projection letter is five years out, but we don't have a maximum time frame if the customer requests it (which they, regrettably, do with alarming frequency).
I have, of course, altered certain elements of the below conversation for readability and to protect the not-so-innocent. Happy Saturday!
Yeah, that's my life.
1.) We deal with a LOT of old people
2.) Many of these old people, for reasons best known to themselves, found it necessary to purchase an ungodly number of whole life policies. You know, as opposed to purchasing, say, one policy with a higher face amount and probably lower premiums. I tend to blame unethical insurance agents, but maybe that's just me.
3.) We do not have an automated way to quote future policy dividends and other values. This means we have to write these letters manually. Using complex spreadsheets. Until our eyes start bleeding.
4.) Our standard values projection letter is five years out, but we don't have a maximum time frame if the customer requests it (which they, regrettably, do with alarming frequency).
I have, of course, altered certain elements of the below conversation for readability and to protect the not-so-innocent. Happy Saturday!
Luaphacim [8:54 AM]:
why is it always the people with 5 policies that want value projections through 2030?
Cube neighbor [8:54 AM]:
i dont know, but it really is always those people
Luaphacim [8:54 AM]:
srsly
Luaphacim [8:55 AM]:
it's like there is an inverse relationship between number of policies and reasonableness of requests
Cube neighbor [8:56 AM]:
hehe
Luaphacim [9:23 AM]:
I came up with a possible solution
Cube neighbor [9:23 AM]:
LETS HEAR IT
Luaphacim [9:23 AM]:
people who have more than one policy are addicted to life insurance...
Luaphacim [9:23 AM]:
they can't live without it
Luaphacim [9:24 AM]:
they have to have more and more to satiate their desires
Luaphacim [9:24 AM]:
they order endless policy projections to analyze their toys
Cube neighbor [9:24 AM]:
NOT A BAD THOUGHT
Cube neighbor [9:24 AM]:
IT COULD VERY WELL BE TRUE
Luaphacim [9:25 AM]:
they have what state-of-the-art 19th century psychiatrists might call a "mania"
Cube neighbor [9:25 AM]:
THEY ARE LIKE SCROOGE MCDUCK(WHO SWIMS IN HIS MONEY)....THEY GET THESE PROJECTIONS AND THEN MAKE PAPER HATS(OR OTHER CLOTHING ARTICLES) OUT OF THEM
Luaphacim [9:26 AM]:
hehehe *Note: This was audible*
Luaphacim [9:26 AM]:
this guy is going to have a whole wardrobe
Luaphacim [9:26 AM]:
You SO just made me LOL.
Cube neighbor [9:27 AM]:
I heard.
Yeah, that's my life.
25 August 2008
29 July 2008
On Mondays
Sometimes, you know it will be an inauspicious Monday before you even get out of the car and trudge up the hill to your office building.
Yesterday, I was running late and on low blood sugar. I had cooked up some spaghetti for our Monday and Tuesday lunches and doled them out into 4 plastic containers, trying my best to divide the spaghetti evenly among them (388 calories each). This activity kept me from eating my morning Cheerios, which really can leave me in a bad mood. To make matters worse, I could only find 3 lids, so I slapped some plastic wrap on the fourth container and figured I would take it to lunch that day in order to just get it out of the way.
I rushed to work, having left home about 10 minutes after I normally do. And, being who I am, I was stewing the whole way there over how late I was going to be. As I whipped through the rain-drenched streets, I nearly spilled my plastic-wrapped spaghetti container on the floor going around a corner, and quickly resolved to be more careful. I drove a little more slowly the rest of the way.
When I arrived in the parking lot at work, I juggled my newspaper, industry education textbook, umbrella, and lunch as I got out of the car. I finally settled with the newspaper and textbook under my left arm and the umbrella in my right hand, along with the spaghetti. This was my first significant mistake.
As I walked into the fierce wind, struggling to keep my umbrella from getting out of control, I made my second mistake. I thought I could certainly reconfigure my umbrella to limit the amount of surface area exposed to the wind, so I tilted it back. Not much, but enough to make my morning much, much worse.
A gust of wind caught my umbrella, jerking my arm back. I lost control of my lunch container, and my umbrella was swept inexorably to the ground. Fortunately, I had a tight enough grip on the handle of the umbrella to keep it from blowing away.
And, as I looked down at my predicament, I saw that my entire lunch had deposited itself neatly into my umbrella. Just then, a co-worker walked by. She looked at me curiously, and I can't blame her -- there I was, standing in the rain and wind, with my umbrella upside down and resting on the ground, and a neat little heap of spaghetti and meat sauce piled in it, while I held an empty plastic container.
"I swear there is a logical explanation for this," I told her. She just smiled and kept going, clearly impressed by my prodigious intellect.
It is very rare that I give a day up for lost at 7:45 a.m., but when I do, I always have excellent reasons for doing so.
Yesterday, I was running late and on low blood sugar. I had cooked up some spaghetti for our Monday and Tuesday lunches and doled them out into 4 plastic containers, trying my best to divide the spaghetti evenly among them (388 calories each). This activity kept me from eating my morning Cheerios, which really can leave me in a bad mood. To make matters worse, I could only find 3 lids, so I slapped some plastic wrap on the fourth container and figured I would take it to lunch that day in order to just get it out of the way.
I rushed to work, having left home about 10 minutes after I normally do. And, being who I am, I was stewing the whole way there over how late I was going to be. As I whipped through the rain-drenched streets, I nearly spilled my plastic-wrapped spaghetti container on the floor going around a corner, and quickly resolved to be more careful. I drove a little more slowly the rest of the way.
When I arrived in the parking lot at work, I juggled my newspaper, industry education textbook, umbrella, and lunch as I got out of the car. I finally settled with the newspaper and textbook under my left arm and the umbrella in my right hand, along with the spaghetti. This was my first significant mistake.
As I walked into the fierce wind, struggling to keep my umbrella from getting out of control, I made my second mistake. I thought I could certainly reconfigure my umbrella to limit the amount of surface area exposed to the wind, so I tilted it back. Not much, but enough to make my morning much, much worse.
A gust of wind caught my umbrella, jerking my arm back. I lost control of my lunch container, and my umbrella was swept inexorably to the ground. Fortunately, I had a tight enough grip on the handle of the umbrella to keep it from blowing away.
And, as I looked down at my predicament, I saw that my entire lunch had deposited itself neatly into my umbrella. Just then, a co-worker walked by. She looked at me curiously, and I can't blame her -- there I was, standing in the rain and wind, with my umbrella upside down and resting on the ground, and a neat little heap of spaghetti and meat sauce piled in it, while I held an empty plastic container.
"I swear there is a logical explanation for this," I told her. She just smiled and kept going, clearly impressed by my prodigious intellect.
It is very rare that I give a day up for lost at 7:45 a.m., but when I do, I always have excellent reasons for doing so.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)