29 January 2007

Changing

Well, I'm not going to be a PhD student in the fall after all. Got the letter this morning.

Still reeling a little bit, so I've been off-balance all day. It's shocking how hard it is to teach a class when teaching has suddenly become little more than a way to pay the bills until May.

I went to the graduate student meeting after my classes were done, although now I wonder why I went. Suddenly, I don't really want to be involved too much with these people who are going on further into academics. I don't want to hear about committees and new hires. I just want to get a job and move on with my life.

I'm wondering a lot of things: what went wrong with my application, where I'll be in six months, how I'll find a job with a master's in English, for crying out loud, and how I'm going to manage not teaching for the rest of my life.

Two things remain stable: I am faulty, and I am forgiven. God help me if I lose sight of those facts.

6 comments:

Izzy said...

Very sorry to hear that, buddy. But I don't think it means you necessarily have to give up on the PhD thing permanently. Even if moving's not an option at the moment, that doesn't mean it won't be at some point in the future.

I know that's not terribly cheering, and I wish I had more to add. I'm thinking of you, and wishing the best.

I'm also a little confused on the letter--that seems very hasty to be making decisions about the PhD program. Maybe someone with decision making power just didn't have a high opinion of you? That can be tough to overcome when applying to the same school you've previously attended.

luaphacim said...

You're right, my friend. These are the ranting comments of a man trying to resign himself to a fate that may or may not actually exist. :-)

But I find myself wonderfully relieved now... and that's a feeling so rare that I'm not sure what to do with it. More to come...

marshwiggle said...

hmm. You forgot the third stability- the loving wife :)

Jobs come and go. Opportunities.. well. they aren't always what we thought they were..

But peace? The peace you have is priceless :) Now, how many phds would trade you for that? :)

gye nyame said...

much love, you are in my thoughts.
are you going to be in my town any time soon? it would be good to see you again.

Liz said...

Oh, hon, I'm so sorry. EB's been keeping me posted; it strikes me as reeeeeally odd that your advisor (or whatever the proper title is) wasn't informed--and, indeed, wasn't given the opportunity to give you the news in person. I think something seems fishy. But, who knows, maybe there's a bigger-picture reason for this and now/there just isn't the right time/place. Either way, you're in my thoughts. *hugs*

luaphacim said...

Here's a voice from the future: you will find a wonderful job that is challenging, enjoyable, stimulating, and much more lucrative than what you have right now. You will be incredibly happy with it, and you will not be plagued with pangs of regret that you weren't able to teach.

You'll be ok. I'm glad you hung in there.